You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
