like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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