How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
