Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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