Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
