Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
