WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
