It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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