oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
she looked like the before picture.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
