what day is it and did you see me today?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
