apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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