watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
