I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
