Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
