he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
