he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
