So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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