just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Still dying that you shit outside
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
