also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
