i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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