I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
