this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
