In the future we'll all be gay
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
