He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
