But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I will be naked everywhere
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
pray to the hookup gods
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
ok first of all what the fuck
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
