I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
