It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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