when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
