I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
