How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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