i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
