My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
