Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
