Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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