I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
even my farts smell like vagina
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
