you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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