Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
