Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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