a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
