It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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