I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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