so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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