the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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