So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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