youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
