Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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