Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
