Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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