AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
