Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
