Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
