forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
