i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
