We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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