I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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