Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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