Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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