I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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