I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is classic penis vs brain.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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